A Humorous Guide to Success at Work ...

So you want to get on at work? Or at least you want to get through a working day without anyone noticing that you’re not actually doing anything. As the saying goes, hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? So follow some of these very tongue-in-cheek tips and convince your colleagues and your boss that you’re the most productive employee in the entire organization.

1. Pile Your Desk High with Paperwork

The messier, the better it looks for you. Look at all this work you’ve got! You’re snowed under with files! Your in-tray looks like it’s exploded and your to-do list runs to 34 foolscap sheets. You’re so busy you don’t have a minute to take a break. Of course, what no one realizes is that behind the tower of paper, you’re enjoying a quiet afternoon snooze after a liquid lunch.

2. Never Leave Your Desk without a Bunch of Files

Carrying these files marks you out as someone on a mission. No matter that those folders contain only pizza delivery menus, while they’re under your arm, they’re your protective shield against questions of productivity (or the lack thereof).

3. Take an Imaginary Call

Unplug your phone but keep the receiver permanently clamped to your left ear while you talk urgently into the mouthpiece and frantically write notes.

So what if there’s no one on the other end of the nonexistent line. The important thing is you look busy. Add authenticity to the scene by slamming the phone down and cursing the ineptitude of your imaginary caller.

4. If You Can’t Unplug Your Phone, Keep It on but Let Every Call Go to Voicemail

You’re busy, dammit. You don’t have time to dance to someone else’s tune. Pick up your messages and return the calls at a time most convenient to you –usually when the boss is in the vicinity and you can look both conscientious (announce loudly that you’re returning their call) and hard working. It’s a winning combination for an office slacker.

5. Stare at Your Computer Screen Endlessly and Peck Relentlessly on the Keyboard

It’s extremely disconcerting to colleagues to hear that kind of productivity in action. What you’re really doing is surfing the net, updating your status on Facebook and tweeting about your weekend plans/your new girlfriend (delete as applicable). Your chances of escaping detection at this specialized Internet loafing are extremely low but enjoy the freedom of the web while it lasts.

6. Delay Communications

Set your email to send out documents and queries to co-workers and management in the evening or over the weekend. What better way to prove just how hard you’re working that you’re doing it in your own time?

Slacking is a tough job but someone has to do it. Otherwise, they might actually expect you to work during office hours – and that would never do.