80 Dark Humor Jokes ...

💀Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”Patient: “OK.”Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

💀The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

💀Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

💀Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”Doctor: “To the morgue.”Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

💀Man with cancer: “How much time do I have left?”Doctor: “Ten”Man with cancer: “Months? Weeks? Days?”“… Nine. Eight …”

💀It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.He was a great vet.

💀My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. 

💀What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

💀Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?

💀People with Covid have no taste!

💀I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke. 

💀Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? A: It’s a long story…

💀What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic 

💀I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads

💀Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window.I should probably go let her in.

💀What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end? A climate scientist  

💀I don’t have a carbon footprint …I walk everywhere 

💀Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people

💀My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

💀My grief counsellor died.He was so good, I don’t even care.

💀Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

💀Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person

💀I hope death is a woman.That way it will never come for me. 

💀Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

💀Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

💀Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

💀‘Life is a terminal disease, and it is sexually transmitted.’ – John Cleese

💀Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time. – Robin Williams 

💀“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik 

💀“My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident” – Jimmy Carr

💀“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.” – Ricky Gervais  

💀“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” – Jerry Seinfeld 

💀“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel brooks 

💀When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. ‘Cause if you was younger, you’d have got out the way! – Chris Rock

💀“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

💀“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.” – Eddie Izzard 

💀“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin

💀“I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx 

💀“’I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.”— Demetri Martin

💀“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die” – Jimmy Carr

💀What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.

💀What do you call a dog with no legs? It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.

💀What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground

💀Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?”Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“

💀Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead

💀A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”.“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”

💀What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

💀Grandma: Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you? Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?

💀Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

💀What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer

💀What’s the best part about turning 60? No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

💀My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

💀What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories. 

💀What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees and toes

💀In New York, someone gets mugged every ten seconds.Poor guy. 

💀I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing, because I was homeschooled.

💀Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police. 

💀Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back? ”Dad: “Call me George.”

💀Life is like a peepeeIt’s often hard for no reason

💀Where did Sharon go during the bombing? Everywhere

💀Dark humor is like foodNot everyone gets it 

💀A child molester and a priest walk into a bar.He orders a drink. 

💀Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

💀For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

💀Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny!

💀Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

💀I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

💀When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back

💀Why did two Asian parents have an Asian baby? Because two wongs don’t make a white

💀I childproofed my houseSomehow they still got in!

💀My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.The only problem is we already have three. 

💀Wife: “I want another baby”Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”

💀“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”

💀What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception? Parents. 

💀How do you ground a gen z? Make them go outside and socialize.

💀Gen Z should change their name to…quaranteens.

💀What does a Gen Z dog say when something bad happens? Woof

💀What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough? YEEST

💀My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything awayHe died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

💀My grandparents fought during World War II.They ended up getting a divorce.

💀My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2He never talks about it.

💀Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II? They were Fascistanating

💀What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? “I was just following odors.”

💀“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock 

💀“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr 

💀“Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.” Jimmy Carr

💀“I gave my girlfriend something she didn’t expect for Valentine’s day…Chlamydia” – Frankie Boyle.

💀“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack 

💀“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright 

💀“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Joan Rivers

💀How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

💀I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

💀Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library? Because you wouldn’t bring it back

💀Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

💀What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

💀What makes sad people jump? Bridges.

💀You’re not completely useless.You can always be used as a bad example.

💀How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.