80 Dark Humor Jokes ...

Eliza

80 Dark Humor Jokes ...
80 Dark Humor Jokes ...

💀Laughing is one of the best ways to feel better, and we have a list of dark jokes that are perfect for your bad mood. Whether you need a break from the stress of work, school, or the presidency; or want to laugh at some of life's inescapable horrors, these dark jokes are sure to cheer up any mood. These jokes will make you chuckle at things like death, depression, and divorce. They won't make you feel better, but they'll bring a moment's relief and help you forget your troubles for a little while... Just keep in mind that not everyone will appreciate the humor.

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1

Medical dark jokes 

💀Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”Patient: “OK.”Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

💀The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

💀Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

💀Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”Doctor: “To the morgue.”Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

💀Man with cancer: “How much time do I have left?”Doctor: “Ten”Man with cancer: “Months? Weeks? Days?”“… Nine. Eight …”

💀It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.He was a great vet.

💀My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. So I unplugged his life support. 

💀What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

💀Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.Doctor: Since when have you had this condition? Patient: What condition?

2

Covid Dark Jokes

💀People with Covid have no taste!

💀I have a joke about quarantine, but I don’t know if you’ll get it. It’s an inside joke. 

💀Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? A: It’s a long story…

💀What do you call it when everyone makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic 

💀I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid. They flu over your heads

💀Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window.I should probably go let her in.

3

Dark jokes about climate change 

💀What do you call someone who won’t stop raving about how the world is going to end? A climate scientist  

💀I don’t have a carbon footprint …I walk everywhere 

💀Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people

4

Jokes to die for ... 

💀My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

💀My grief counsellor died.He was so good, I don’t even care.

💀Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight.Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

💀Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person

💀I hope death is a woman.That way it will never come for me. 

💀Priest: “Do you have any last requests?”Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

💀Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick!

💀Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

5

Jokes about death from the top comedians

💀‘Life is a terminal disease, and it is sexually transmitted.’ – John Cleese

💀Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time. – Robin Williams 

💀“I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” – Anthony Jeselnik 

💀“My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident” – Jimmy Carr

💀“Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.” – Ricky Gervais  

💀“Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” – Jerry Seinfeld 

💀“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” – Mel brooks 

💀When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it’s natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it’s natural causes. ‘Cause if you was younger, you’d have got out the way! – Chris Rock

💀“I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

💀“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.” – Eddie Izzard 

💀“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” – George Carlin

💀“I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx 

💀“’I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.”— Demetri Martin

💀“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die” – Jimmy Carr

6

Dog related dark jokes 

💀What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a pit bull? Just the pit bull.

💀What do you call a dog with no legs? It don’t matter what you call it. It ain’t coming.

💀What animal has five legs? A pitbull returning from a playground

💀Boy: “Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas, please?”Mom: “No, you’re getting turkey, like every year!“

7

Way Too dark humor jokes 

💀Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 metres of a school? Because he’s dead

💀A man and a woman are walking through the woods at night when the woman says “I’m scared”.“How do you think I feel?” The man replies. “I have to walk back alone.”

💀What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage

💀Grandma: Most people your age are married by now, why aren’t you? Me: Most people your age are dead by now, why aren’t you?

💀Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

💀What’s the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn’t beat cancer

💀What’s the best part about turning 60? No more calls from life insurance salesmen.

💀My grandpa has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

💀What’s the difference between a baby and a potato. About 140 calories. 

💀What’s the special in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees and toes

💀In New York, someone gets mugged every ten seconds.Poor guy. 

💀I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing, because I was homeschooled.

💀Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you.But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police. 

💀Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back? ”Dad: “Call me George.”

💀Life is like a peepeeIt’s often hard for no reason

💀Where did Sharon go during the bombing? Everywhere

💀Dark humor is like foodNot everyone gets it 

💀A child molester and a priest walk into a bar.He orders a drink. 

💀Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

💀For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

💀Why don’t cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny!

💀Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

💀I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

8

Parenting dark jokes 

💀When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back

💀Why did two Asian parents have an Asian baby? Because two wongs don’t make a white

💀I childproofed my houseSomehow they still got in!

💀My wife and I have decided we don’t want children.The only problem is we already have three. 

💀Wife: “I want another baby”Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one”

💀“Madam, your son just called me ugly!”“I’m so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it’s wrong to judge people on their looks…”

💀What do you call people who use the rhythm method of contraception? Parents. 

9

Dark Jokes on Gen Z

💀How do you ground a gen z? Make them go outside and socialize.

💀Gen Z should change their name to…quaranteens.

💀What does a Gen Z dog say when something bad happens? Woof

💀What did the Gen Z baker yell when he tossed the dough? YEEST

10

Dark Humor Jokes about WWII

💀My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything awayHe died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

💀My grandparents fought during World War II.They ended up getting a divorce.

💀My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2He never talks about it.

💀Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II? They were Fascistanating

💀What did the German Shepherd say at his Nuremberg trial? “I was just following odors.”

11

Celebrity Comedian's Jokes 

💀“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock 

💀“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr 

💀“Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.” Jimmy Carr

💀“I gave my girlfriend something she didn’t expect for Valentine’s day…Chlamydia” – Frankie Boyle.

💀“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” – Lee Mack 

💀“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright 

💀“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Joan Rivers

12

Sad dark jokes 

💀How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

💀I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

💀Why can’t you get a book on how to commit suicide at a library? Because you wouldn’t bring it back

💀Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you.

💀What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.

💀What makes sad people jump? Bridges.

💀You’re not completely useless.You can always be used as a bad example.

💀How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.

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