Ultimate List of Funny Comebacks to Roast Anyone ...

Are you one of those people who has quick wit and can make any situation funny with your spunky sense of humor? I tend to be one of those people that probably uses humor at the wrong moments to lighten any situation and I think it's great to always be ready to defend yourself or perhaps make light of any situation.

Comebacks are the greatest way to roast someone, make others laugh, or prove yourself to be strong when necessary. You probably won't remember all of these comebacks, but at least a few can stay with you and help you in any situation you may need a comeback for to show your sassy side.

Here are great comebacks for different encounters you may face...

1. Best Comebacks for when You're Being Hit on:

(Your reaction) Thank you!

πŸ™‚If a guy pulls the "dream" pickup line, give the comeback, "Really cause this feels like a nightmare."

πŸ™‚"I'm no proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one."

πŸ™‚If a guy asks you where you've been all his life, simply say, "Living mine."

πŸ™‚Ever meet a guy who's trying to be smooth by asking you what you're sign is? Snap back with the best comeback saying, "Do Not Enter." 🚧

πŸ™‚Want to roast a guy who says you take his breath away? Fire back with, "Your breath is pushing me away." It's a feisty comment to make and will surely get him away.

πŸ™‚If a guy asks for your number and you don't want to give it away, tell him, "9-1-1." Hopefully he'll get the hint. πŸ“±

πŸ™‚Here's one for those who get hit on by another girl... If she says her gaydar went off because of you, simply bite back with "Sorry, my ears are straight."

πŸ™‚If a guy asks if a seat is taken and you don't want him to take it, you can easily fight back and say, "No, but this one will be empty if you sit down."

πŸ™‚If you're being hit on and you try ignoring the person and they simply keep trying to talk to you, the funniest comeback to use is, "You don't have to repeat yourself; I ignored you fine the first time."

πŸ™‚If a guy asks to buy you a drink and you have no desire to accept, tell him "Actually I'd rather take the money." 🍹

πŸ™‚If a guy wants to ask you on a date you can fire back, "Sorry, I'm going to have a headache."

πŸ™‚If he thinks he's being smooth by letting you make the first move and he tells you, "Go ahead and ask me out." you can roast him and say, "Okay. Go out."

πŸ™‚Next time a guy says, "I think I could make you happy." You can always reply, "Why are you leaving?"

πŸ™‚If a guy asks you to see a movie simply tell him, "I've already seen it."

πŸ™‚"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment."

πŸ™‚Another fiery comeback to asking where you've been all his life you can say, "Hiding from you." πŸ™ˆ

πŸ™‚If a guy tries to be smooth and ask you if he's seen you somewhere before you can spit back with, "Yeah that's why I don't go there anymore."

πŸ™‚If a guy asks how you like your eggs in the morning, whip out this bad boy and say, "Unfertilized." Dirty? Kind of. But he was inappropriate too.

πŸ™‚"How long did it take you to come up with that one?"

πŸ™‚Cocky guy getting to ya? Reply with, "Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave."

πŸ™‚Use this anytime you're unwantingly being hit on, "They say opposites attract so I hope you find someone intelligent and good looking."

πŸ™‚Gym guy trying to tell you to stop lifting weights so you don't look like a guy? Use this... "Maybe you should start so you can too."

πŸ™‚Guy listening in on you and your friends at the bar? If he says to you, "That's what she said." You can always say, "Not to you."

πŸ™‚"You have your entire life to be a jerk, why don't you take a day off?"

πŸ™‚If a guy says you look better without your glasses you can use the ultimate comeback, "Yeah, you look better when I'm not wearing them too."

πŸ™‚"Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, that can't laugh either."

πŸ™‚"I'm no cactus expert but I know a prick when I see one." 🌡

πŸ™‚"The only way you'll get laid is if you crawl up a chicken's ass and wait."

πŸ™‚Guy sends an unsolicited dick pic in his boxers, send the response, "I can stick cucumbers in my pants too."

πŸ™‚A guy texting you hitting on you? You can always send a nice gif or the barf emoji back. Subtle and to the point.

πŸ™‚If a guy is really bothering you then you can say, "I want to know which sexual position produces the ugliest children; can you ask your parents?"

πŸ™‚"Save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date later."

πŸ™‚Unsolicited dick pics are the worst! If it comes with the caption (or just the text itself) that says, "My dick is so hard" you can roast him by saying, "To find." πŸ”

πŸ™‚β€œYou should wear a condom on your head; if you're going to be a dick you might as well look like one."

πŸ™‚"I'm sorry, you seem to be mistaking me with a woman who cares."

πŸ™‚"Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?"

πŸ™‚"I'm no astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun and not you."

πŸ™‚"If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb up your ego and jump to your IQ."

2. Roasting Comebacks to Use with Friends/family:

(Your reaction) Thank you!

πŸ˜€"Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you'll find a brain back there."

πŸ˜€"You should use a glue stick instead of chapstick next time."

πŸ˜€β€œQuick, check your face! I just found your nose in my business." πŸ‘ƒ

πŸ˜€"I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bull."

πŸ˜€"I didn't meant to push all your buttons, I was trying to find the mute."

πŸ˜€"I'd love to insult you, but I'm afraid I won't do as well as nature did."

πŸ˜€"I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass."

πŸ˜€"Stupidity isn't a crime so you're free to go."

πŸ˜€"Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons, but they forgot morons like you."

πŸ˜€"I wasn't insulting you, I was describing you."

πŸ˜€"I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement."

πŸ˜€"Somewhere out there a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for you and I feel bad for it."

πŸ˜€"I love the sound you make when you shut up."

πŸ˜€"I may not be perfect but at least I'm not you."

πŸ˜€If someone says you're being crabby or moody simply say, "I'm not, I just have days where I'm less inclined to deal with your bullshit."

πŸ˜€"Of course I talk like an idiot, how else will you understand me?"

πŸ˜€If someone says you're stupid you can say, "I guess you're rubbing off on me."

πŸ˜€"You'll never be the man your mom is."

πŸ˜€"No need for insults, your face is enough of one on its own."

πŸ˜€If someone interrupts you you can say, "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?"

πŸ˜€Siblings ever tell you that you were adopted? You can throw this one back and say, "Well at least they wanted me."

πŸ˜€"Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything."

πŸ˜€"Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale." πŸ’Έ

πŸ˜€Someone calls you something then you could say, "There's worse I could be... I could be you."

πŸ˜€"How long did it take you to come up with that one?"

πŸ˜€"I don't argue with idiots; it lowers me to their level and they beat me with experience."

πŸ˜€"It's pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out."

πŸ˜€"It's scary to think people like you are allowed to vote."

πŸ˜€"Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours."

πŸ˜€"Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave."

πŸ˜€"Okay now try again using your big boy/girl words."

πŸ˜€Next time someone tries to insult you by saying they think a certain way about you, you can reply with, "I don't think about you at all."

πŸ˜€"You should try eating makeup so you can at least be pretty on the inside." πŸ’„

πŸ˜€"You're the reason we have warning labels on everything."

πŸ˜€Next time someone tries to say you're selfish tell them, "Yeah I totally wanted to drop what I was doing today and care for your bullshit."

πŸ˜€Got a fake friend who you caught stabbing you in the back? Roast them with the comeback, "I hope the bus you threw me under swerves and hits you on the sidewalk.”

πŸ˜€Someone keep reminding you of past mistakes? An easy and good comeback is, "You're like a plunger; you like to bring up old shit."

πŸ˜€"Oh hey look! My middle finger got a boner." πŸ–•

πŸ˜€If someone blames something on you, you can say, "Don't blame your stupidity on me! Take that one up with your parents."

πŸ˜€Someone calls you ugly, get them back with the great comeback, "90% of your pretty can be wiped away with a kleenex."

πŸ˜€Someone teasing you for being short? Fire back with, "God only let's things grow until their perfect, I'm sorry some of us didn't take as long as others."

πŸ˜€"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because your boyfriend thinks I am."

πŸ˜€"You're kind of like Rapunzel, except instead of letting your hair down you let everyone in your life down."

3. Awesome Comebacks to Use on Enemies:

(Your reaction) Thank you!

πŸ˜†"Everyone brings happiness to a room; some when they enter and some when they leave."

πŸ˜†"Two wrongs don't make a right; just look at your parents."

πŸ˜†If someone is trying to insult you fire back with, "I've been called worse by better."

πŸ˜†"They used to be called jumpolines until your mom got on one." 😱

πŸ˜†"Oh darling, go buy a brain!"

πŸ˜†"Bitch, move away from the sun! I hate the smell of burning plastic." β˜€οΈ

πŸ˜†In order to insult me, I must first value your opinion."

πŸ˜†If someone calls you fat a good comeback to use is, "I may be chubby but that can be fixed; ugly just can't."

πŸ˜†"If you're waiting for me to care, you'd better pack a lunch; it's going to be awhile."

πŸ˜†"Jealousy is a disease so get well soon bitch."

πŸ˜†"My name must taste pretty good 'cause it's always in your mouth."

πŸ˜†If someone doesn't like your opinion you can say, "I don't sugarcoat anything; I'm not Willy Wonka." 🍭

πŸ˜†"Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, that can't laugh either."

πŸ˜†If someone points out your bra strap hanging out you can say, "Oh no! No one can know that I, a female, wears a bra. Quick, call Victoria and tell her that her secret is out."

πŸ˜†"I'm no cactus expert but I know a prick when I see one."

πŸ˜†If you catch someone talking behind your back you can confront them and say, "My back is not voicemail, you can say it to my face."

πŸ˜†"If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty."

πŸ˜†"I'd give you a nasty look but you've already got one."

πŸ˜†If someone says you're gay and it's not true, you can fire back with, "I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on."

πŸ˜†"You have your entire life to be a jerk, why don't you take a day off?" πŸ“†

πŸ˜†"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment."

πŸ˜†In this world of filters, photo editors, and social media, the best comeback for someone being fake is, "You can't Photoshop personality."

πŸ˜†"Remember when I asked for your opinion? Oh yeah, me either."

πŸ˜†"Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth."

πŸ˜†"Some day you'll go far.... and I really hope you stay there."

πŸ˜†"I'm no proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one."

πŸ˜†"Stupidity isn't a crime so you're free to go."

πŸ˜†"I'm no astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun and not you."

πŸ˜†"Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom company."

πŸ˜†"Hey there's something on your chin; no the third one down."

πŸ˜†"You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard."

πŸ˜†"If laughter is the best medicine then your face must be curing the world." 🌎

4. Great Comebacks for Teachers:

(Your reaction) Thank you!

*SIDE NOTE: These might get you in trouble. It's not good to be sassy to a teacher. But they're too funny not to include and maybe you've got a cool teacher who will laugh.

πŸ˜‚If a teacher points out you failed a test, you could reply, "You failed to educate me."

πŸ˜‚If a teacher tells you that you should've gone to the bathroom on break, you can say, "I'm sorry I didn't plan out my pee schedule." 🚽

πŸ˜‚Teacher asking what something is doing at home, fire back with, "It's having more fun than I am here."

πŸ˜‚If a teacher asks why you're talking during the lesson you can say, "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"

πŸ˜‚Along the same lines as above, if a teacher asks why he/she hears talking, you can say, "Because you have ears."

πŸ˜‚If a teacher asks if they want you to call your parents you can reply, "Yeah, and if they answer then tell them to come home soon."

πŸ˜‚If a teacher is mid sentence and says, "Sorry I lost my train of thought" you can easily reply with the good comeback of, "Don't worry, there were no important passengers on board." πŸš‚

So there you have it, a great list of dozens of comebacks to use no matter the situation. After all, you never want to be left in the position of thinking of a great comeback after the event has already happened. Now, you won't have to! You'll always be ready for whatever occasion the comeback fits.

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