7 Reasons It May Be Better to Lose than to Win at the Oscars ...

I’ll start off simple with the 7 reasons it may be better to lose than to win at The Oscars, with delicious and expensive edible treats. Chocolates and a Savory Wine Flight Pairing Valued at $80, with Cannonball wine at $75, and Aviv 613 Vodka at $30 . Then Bee Free Honey valued at $39 and Rouge Maple Syrup valued at $250! Dosha Pops herbal tea-based lollipops $35 and Blossom Blends tea valued at $49.50! And then if you’re feeling a frumpy after binge eating all your loser snacks, you can nosh on some Hydroxycut gummies, protein bars, and protein shakes valued at $38.96. Staring to think you could pay your rent with all this? Me too.

Because the Academy wants you to be able to fit into your suit and dress at next year’s Oscars, they’ve also included fitness packages in their loser swag bag (how sweet). This includes a house call from celebrity acupuncturist/nutritionist Heath Lounsbury valued at $500. As well as a Huntley Drive Fitness package of 10 personal training sessions valued at $850. Because that’s what everyone wants while they’re crying over loss of a lifelong dream, someone to tell them they’re fat. But don’t worry, they’ll also get a Polar Loop activity tracker valued at $109.95. You know, because if you decide not to use the others, you can have a electronic device remind you of your laziness instead.

Buck up buttercup, you also have to continue looking pretty. Losers will get a Steamist Total Sense Home Spa System valued at $2,560, as well as M3K Beauty products valued at $100. They will also be receiving Makeup Studio products by Diane Capt. valued at $105, and Acure skincare products valued at $300. But the most surprising to me is a collection of Mane ‘N Tail hair care products valued at $95. Isn’t that the horse shampoo you see advertised on the sides of Seventeen magazine? Is it really that good?

That’s right. They know you are going to be too busy crying in your total home spa system with that pricy vodka to be paying attention to your kids. And you may not have a nanny if you’re a loser (I’m just kidding). But either way they’ve set you up with Le Petit Cirque, North America’s only all-kid pro Cirque troop, valued at $575. Now I’m not sure if they’re there to entertain your kids, or so that they can run away with them. Or maybe this package is NOT for your children... awkward.

Fido won’t be left out from the loser’s swag bag either, and since pets can sense their owner's feelings that’s probably a smart idea. They will be receiving a Halo Natural Pet Food certificate for 10,000 meal donations to the rescue or shelter of the recipient's choice valued at $6,142.89. As well as Simon's Happy Pet Shampoo (created by a 12 year old!) valued at $15 and Epic Pet Heath electrolyte therapy valued at $1,571.98. So the Academy cares about your pet as well as others. That’s sweet. But I’m a little curious on the electrolyte therapy - doggie Gatorade?

It’s like the Hollywood version of mini fun shaped erasers, and fruit flavored Tootsie Rolls of your childhood goodie bags. From Max Martin shoes valued at $750, to Cherry Knit & Co. winter accessories valued at $158, it is a variety. Plus they get Slimware dinnerware valued at $59 (does it make you slim?), a Jitseu leather handbag valued at $279, Slow Watches valued at $290, Narrative Clip automatic camera and app valued at $279, Jan Lewis Designs bangle bracelets valued at $400, AND a Vetvik luxury leather case valued at $230. Whew! For the cheaper set you also get a Wrap Wrap luxury fabric wrap valued at $15, The Green Garmento garment bags valued at $23 and Adept Armor fabric waterproofing solution valued at $26.99. And in case any producers are out there are looking for more inspiration, a copy of "Loaded: The Story of a Ghost" graphic novels valued at $49.95. Oh and did I mention they’re also giving away Mace Brand pepper spray (losers have to worry about these things, kittens) valued at $120?

Yup - just like your goody bags when you were a kid. When you lose at the Oscars, the Academy wants you to be able to distract yourself with a luxurious vacation. And from the looks of it they think you’ll need a few months to recuperate from your loss. From an Imanta Resort stay in Ocean Casa valued at $3,300, to a Rocky Mountaineer train travel package through Western Canada valued at $4,078, these might be the best parts of swag bag. But that’s not all! Losers will also receive a Walk Japan tour package valued at $15,000 (because once again the Academy wants you to work out), a Koloa Landing Resort five-night Hawaii stay valued at $2,000, and a "Best of Las Vegas" travel package valued at $9,000. Where do I sign up to lose?

Whew! And I haven’t even been able to include EVERYTHING (hair transplant anyone?), but the total price of this bag is about $80,000 - all for losing at The Oscars! And if you’re me, you’re thinking this could buy both a new car... and an apartment. What do you guys think of the loser’s swag bags?