Breasts are pretty amazing. I mean, they feed babies – they make milk so you can provide for your children! They are also seen as sexy, of course, there's no denying that, but even though I own a pair of boobs and adore them in general, it's hard to sexualize them when you walk around with them all day. I know my breasts pretty well. They kind of have their own feelings sometimes – did you ever notice that? If your boobs could talk, I think they'd share these messages. I know mine would.
1 Can You Tell That Dude to Stop Staring at Us?
Well, I can only imagine that our breasts just hate being under scrutiny all the time, you know?
I know mine do, anyway, which really sucks because I love button down shirts myself – boobs tend to win the argument, though.
3 We Think You Need to Go in for a Professional Bra Sizing, Pal
Do you know how likely it is that you and I are both wearing a bra that doesn't actually fit our boobs?
4 I'm Being Stabbed to Death by Underwire!
Ouch, ouch, ouch, this is the worst!
5 You Don't Support Me the Way You Used to
This might be a sign that it's time to replace your old bra, especially if it's having underwire issues or if it's entirely stretched out of shape.
6 Please, Mistress, Can You Free Us from This Cage?
I don't know about yours, but my breasts frequently ask for freedom.
7 Can You Turn up the Heat or Put on a Sweater, Please and Thanks?
Because IT'S COLD! Get it?
8 Help! I'm Being Held Prisoner! Let Me out!
Your boobs at the end of a long, long day spent in an uncomfortable bra, probably.
9 YOU BRUSHED YOUR HAND across ME and NOW I'M DYING!
You know those days leading up to your period, when your breasts ache and your nipples are so sensitive that you can't even touch them? Poor boobs.
***
During that time of the month, even a casual graze can send you through the ROOF! It's like your girls are throwing their very own rage fest and forgot to invite the rest of your body. Every unexpected bump is a betrayal, and you're left doing that awkward arms-out shuffle to avoid contact. And forget about wearing a bag across your chest—that's the ultimate no-go zone. Oh, the drama of premenstrual boob tantrums!
10 Why is My Sister Prettier than Me?
My left breast would say this about my right one because one is always just a little bit prettier than the other one – have you noticed that?
11 We Found a Piece of Popcorn!
Hands up, anyone who's ever found an unexpected treat between their boobs or in their bras!
12 The Blue Shirt Makes Us Look Weird
We all have that one article of clothing that simply does not conform to the shape or size of our breasts and thus never looks right – and our boobs know it!
13 Wear the Black Shirt, It Makes Us Feel like Queens
Likewise, we all have that one top or dress that makes our boobs look like the most beautiful pair of breasts in the world, regardless of size or shape.
14 Let's Binge Watch Netflix Instead of Jogging Today
Given the way running and jumping tend to jar your breasts, it's easy to imagine that they hate exercising even though it's healthy – possibly because …
15 NO! NOT the SPORTS BRA!
There is no possible way that breasts like sports bras.
16 WE'RE DROWNING!
Two words: boob sweat.
17 Please Touch Us for Your Health and Safety
I firmly believe that our breasts enthusiastically advocate breast examinations – don't you?
Do your boobs ever send you any other messages? Mine do! (Unfortunately, however, they can't predict the weather.)
