Let me preface this by saying that “Cards Against Humanity” is pretty NSFW, if you need to worry about that. Some people don't approve of this profane new game, which describes itself quite honestly as “the party game for horrible people,” but others love it. This is for the others! Some of these are from games I've played and some are from my fellow horrible people all around the globe. If you're a fan, I think you'll find these epic hands hilariously horrible. If not, well, they're seriously pretty awful – lots of cursing, debauchery, and truly heinous references. Outrage awaits thee beyond this point, so consider yourself forewarned!
Table of contents:
- rip, billy
- a killer combo
- super-sized truth
- oh kanye
- harry potter and the wet dream
- ether strikes again
- muppet sex
- sad history lessons
- lifetime presents
- sorry, lance
- poor, poor lance
- happy new year
- harry potter: alternate titles
- a better love story than twilight
- love, marriage, baby carriage
- fat and stupid
- dr. phil
- grandma wins
- maybe it's not maybelline
- x-men against humanity
- potus power
- orgy part i
- orgy part ii
- mom said no, no, no
- they say it's best
1 RIP, Billy
Let's start off a little tame. However, it clearly shows that “Cards Against Humanity” is completely irreverent. Nothing is sacred, not even Billy Mays. Your grandma might not be sacred. Your sense of humor is fully exposed to everyone within earshot – or anyone with an internet connection, honestly.
2 A Killer Combo
Sometimes the world is in perfect balance and the Card Czar comes up with something that seems written for you. Your hand is so good, it seems almost staged – too perfect, the comedic karma too spot on. But it's real. It happens. That “ether-soaked rag” card is boss.
3 SUPER-SIZED Truth
On very special occasions, you get a match that's both hilarious and horribly honest. I mean, it even rhymes. One of my friends played this exact same hand during a round and it made me think twice about devouring the cheesecake we were having with our coffee. I still ate it, but I thought twice.
4 Oh Kanye
Tell me you couldn't see this happening. Kanye, for all his faults, is a talented man, but he's got ego for days. I hope he never reads this, though. Just in case, I'm not going to make any references to music awards or fish sticks.
5 Harry Potter and the Wet Dream
My fellow “Cards Against Humanity” players who are also Potterheads know the first rule of this game: if you get a Potter card, you play it. This one is mine and I'm proud to say I owned this round, although I owe my inspiration to a very special episode of Robot Chicken.
6 Ether Strikes Again
This is such a perfect hand! Coming up with something clever to fit those pesky draw 3 cards can be difficult, but this is just a trio of perfection. It would make a really relevant PSA today, honestly.
7 Muppet Sex
This is just such a vile image, and yet … it's technically true. I mean, that's what being a puppeteer is all about, really. I personally think the ideal placement for this one would be “When you get right down to it, fisting is just warm, velvety muppet sex.” What do you think?
8 Sad History Lessons
It's sad because it's true! Sometimes “Cards Against Humanity” hits you right in the feels … and alerts you to the fact that you are a truly terrible person because you cannot stop laughing.
9 Lifetime Presents
These Lifetime cards slay me. This is so wrong, so horrible, so disrespectful … and yet so funny. After all, women's suffrage was an epic hustle, right? The struggle was real.
10 Sorry, Lance
This one belongs to my lovely wife. Poor Lance Armstrong. Whatever your opinion of him, his testicle features heavily in any good game of CAH. For the record, I would not want to find his testicle in my Kung Pao chicken either. Further for the record, Heather bagged this round. Bonus anecdote: if you follow Lance on Twitter, I hope you witnessed that epic moment when he drew this card himself.
11 Poor, Poor Lance
And while we're on the subject, I'll just leave this right here. What's up with the food pairings, though? Play this game enough and you'll never want to tuck into burritos or Chinese takeout again.
12 Happy New Year
So this one isn't particularly horrible, per se, unless you really hate cursing (I really love cursing, myself), but it's just so on point. The older you get, especially, the more honest this is. That is exactly how I woke up on January 1.
13 Harry Potter: Alternate Titles
Again, this one isn't as horrible as some of the others, but I can never resist the HP references. Besides, this is just too perfect. Tell me you would not read that book cover to cover. I feel like J. K. Rowling would be down with this hand.
14 A Better Love Story than Twilight
I bet this was the character sheet they used when they were casting for Edward Cullen. Somebody has to come up with an equally flawless description of Bella. Anyone come across something like that?
15 Love, Marriage, Baby Carriage
I think quite a few people can identify with this, yes? Things happen. This is another lawl-worthy example of the cards lining up perfectly. Who knew a card game like this would contain excellent lessons about the importance of safe sex?
16 Fat and Stupid
This comes courtesy of my good friend Gary, whose twisted sense of humor matches mine so exactly that we almost always pick each other's combos. That includes this one. You can see a little truth in this, right?
17 Dr. Phil
Not gonna lie, I'm surprised this hasn't shown up on Dr. Phil yet. Actually, has it? If it hasn't, it should. I don't even watch Dr. Phil and I'd DVR this in a second. Remember, parents, the sex talk will help shape your children's perceptions regarding the act of physical love!
18 Grandma Wins
Didn't I tell you? Nothing is sacred. Not even Grandpa's ashes.
19 Maybe It's Not Maybelline
This seems particularly relevant at the moment, don't you think? “Cards Against Humanity” doesn't play. It will check your privilege for you.
20 X-Men against Humanity
This is purely for my fellow X-Men fanatics. You know Deadpool would actually do this. Deadpool and also Samuel L. Jackson.
21 POTUS Power
I mean … Bill Clinton came close, you know? I can't actually write anything about this because I just snorted Coke out of my nose and I can't stop giggling. Sorry 'bout that.
22 Orgy Part I
Yeah. Yeah, that'll do it every time. I think Sudden Poop Explosion Disease will ruin pretty much every aspect of your day.
23 Orgy Part II
I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry.
24 Mom Said No, No, No
Protip: if your mom ever needs to go to rehab, you should probably leave her there. Game tip: this black card is golden. There are far more heinous responses to this, responses so horrible and inappropriate that even I couldn't share them. Go Google, right now.
25 They Say It's Best
It's the “bro” that really makes this perfect (and perfectly horrible). ...seriously, I'm so sorry.
Like say, “Cards Against Humanity” definitely isn't for everyone. Those who love it do so with debauched, unabashed glee, and it is to you fine, sick-minded sisters from other misters and brothers from other mothers that I dedicate this post. Please share the best and worst CAH hands you've ever played!
Sources: theberry.com, pinterest.com, pinterest.com, imgur.com, buzzfeed.com, reddit.com, slides.com, imgur.com, reddit.com, pinterest.com, pinterest.com, reddit.com, kiwibomb.com, aplus.com, buzzfeed.com, goodreads.com
Please rate this article