Have you ever wondered what an “Anti-Valentine's Day” store display would look like? I certainly have. Even though I'm happily married, I still get tired of grocery-store displays that look like somebody's Hello Kitty doll threw up all over the produce section. I guess it would be fine if they didn't put them up the day after Christmas, but whatever. Here's a short list of the things my anti-Valentine's Day store display would have. You can fill in your own later.
1 Black Roses
No anti-Valentine's Day store display would be complete without black roses. Even if they don't exist in nature, they can still be pretty damned symbolic. Jealousy, sadness, anger...whatever it is, he'll get the message. Sold in singles or an 8 oz package of loose petals.
2 Ben & Jerry's in Gallon Buckets
This goes without saying. Ditto Godiva chocolates and Lindor truffles. Sometimes you just need to bring out the big guns.
3 DVD Collection of anti-love Movies
For the inspirational “I Will Survive,” there's What's Love Got to Do with It. For the “who needs men when we've got each other” comedy, there's The First Wives Club. For the “hey, at least I get to look at Ryan Phillippe,” there's Cruel Intentions. There's also a section of “non-anti-love” movies organized by which gorgeous actor plays the lead role. Maybe it's just me, but gazing at Heath Ledger in A Knight's Tale makes me forget everything else.
4 "F*** Cupid" Office Archery Set
Bow with suction-cup arrows and target with a cartoon picture of Cupid in the middle. You could switch out the picture of Cupid with a picture of a heart, your ex or anything else you'd like to shoot.
5 Anti-Valentine's Day Candy
Here you can find boxes of conversation hearts with phrases like "Bite me," "No way," "Luv sux" etc; broken-heart-shaped boxes of chocolates; broken-heart-shaped lollipops to share with a friend; and gingerbread-man cookies (so you can bite the heads off).
6 Heart- or Male-shooting-target-shaped Dart Board
Comes with darts with heart-shaped flags. The perfect thing for getting out some aggression, don't you think? Channel your inner Katniss.
7 Anti-Valentine's CDs
Music you can play when you get sick of all the love songs on the radio. Comes in three varieties: Sad (Adele, Patsy Cline, Kelly Clarkson); Angry (Melissa Etheridge, Alanis Morissette, Nine Inch Nails); and Just Plain Stupid (Weird Al Yankovic, They Might Be Giants, early REM). These CDs are great for all the times you need a good cry, a good scream or a good laugh.
8 Cupid Tear-apart Stress Doll
This plush doll has velcro on all the body parts so you can easily put it back together after you're finished tearing it apart. Tip: it's really funny if you put the parts back on wrong.
9 Heart-shaped Cupcake Tin
This is really a multi-purpose item-an affirmation for people in a relationship and a stabbing block for the lovelorn. Comes with a set of ten plastic pirate-sword cocktail decorations and three packets of Ghirardelli chocolate cupcake mix. All that stabbing can leave you hungry.
Like I said before, I'm happily married. Even so, I've seen enough bad breakups to know that catharsis-either angry or sad-can be very helpful in getting back on your feet. I'm not encouraging revenge (that's another article), but it's essential that you get the feelings out in a way that's at least *somewhat* constructive. What would your anti-Valentine's Day store display look like? What kind of things would you add to my list? What would you take away? Discuss!
Please rate this article