If you're here, you're probably looking for ways to handle a crazy soccer parent. Have you ever thought to yourself, “Mannnnnn! I wish I could say EXACTLY what I want to say and do EXACTLY what I want to do right now!” I wish I could let a few people “have it!” I just want to have a complete melt down and NOT reap any adverse consequences. Wouldn’t that be freaking AWESOME if we could get away with it? LOL! Let me ask you, what would you do if you ever have that one amazing opportunity to just “rip someone to shreds?” Well in case you are having difficulties coming up with answers, I would like to help you out to make sure you are prepared to “give it to them” good!! LOL!
Since football season (or soccer) is upon us, why not start with a scenario that you may encounter this season and how you should approach it if given that one chance! Let’s get started!!!
Have you ever been to a football game and sat next to a parent that CONSTANTLY BITC&%ED about EVERYTHING? They rant and rave about the ref’s “suck”, they drop the “F” bomb at least 97,000 times a game, they are mad because their son is not getting enough playing time, they throw things down, constantly standing up and sitting down, etc.?? You know stupid sh!t like that! They are just being a complete A-hole! Well if you EVER get that one golden moment to approach someone who fits this description, let me help you prepare to unleash the beast inside! LOL! Here are the best ways to handle a crazy soccer parent.
One of the easiest ways to handle a crazy soccer parent is to stare at them, and I mean stare so hard that they start to feel uncomfortable.
If they are on meds, just sit back down because they know not what they do! But if they are in sound mind and body, let the games begin!! We have already established the fact that they need their a$$ whooped, that they are starting to feel a little uncomfortable since you are staring a hole through their soul and that they are not on any meds for a mental disability.
This could be anything, such as a kick in the back, giving them two middle fingers, taping their mouth shut with a roll of duct tape, etc.
If you have a limited cursing vocabulary, then we may need to have you take a few cursing courses before you are equipped to handle the situation in this scenario. It is ok, not everyone has a PhD in cursing, but I do, so I will help you out! Don’t worry you will thank me later!! LOL!
Just in case your throat gets a little dry from all that lecturing.
Do about 10-15 push-ups to get the blood flowing to your arms and hands, just in case your follow-up physical gesture is a slap or punch to their face. Make sure to do at least 25 squats to ensure you are ready for any drop kicks that you may have to unleash. Don’t forget to do a few back bends and neck rolls, just in case you have to perform a few “Matrix” moves.
Grab the a$$hole by back of the neck, and say “Listen here you little trash talking, cry baby, tantrum throwing, butt kissing, think you are made out of glass, constantly yelling for no damn reason son of a B!tch. If you say one more damn thing, get your stanky a$$ up off of these bleachers one more damn time, b!tch and moan about your sorry a$$ kid, or throw one more thing down, you are going to force me to fu#k you up! I am going to punch you in the mouth with brass knuckles for maximum swelling of your lips to help you keep your big a$$ mouth shut, give you the most vicious wedgie the world has ever seen, hand cuff your wrist to your ankles and then drop kick your stupid a$$ down these damn bleachers!! Do I make myself clear? Now sit your annoying a$$ down, shut the fu@k up and let me enjoy this damn football game!!! My patience is very thin and this goes for any man, woman or child who has a problem with my requirements!!"
I can guarantee you will get their attention and they will either retaliate or calm their ass down. LOL! Never the less, we cannot follow through on what I just described unless we like lawsuits and bright orange jump suits!! To tell you the truth, I don’t look very good in orange. For now, I guess we need to continue to err on the side of respecting one another and adapting to annoying situations. Just remember if you EVER get that one opportunity to “give it all you got,” please make me proud!!!! Until next time, peace, love, laugh and please don’t make me whoop you’re a$$!! LOL!
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