They are an instrument of torture. They make me want to scream. Confession time: I gave up tights (do you still call them panty hose?) about 15 years ago. I switched to stockings for a while but now – it’s bare legs. If I really need to wear something it will be just ankle socks or knee-highs in tight fabric. Why do I hate them so much? Well if it isn’t obvious …
1 You Need to Be a Contortionist to Put Them on
Bending, stretching, leaning over and all the while maneuvering the most delicate of fabric. Heaven forbid that you put your fingers through them or they snag on a hang nail. And let’s not even talk about cubicles and putting them on after swimming.
2 They Never Stay Put
No matter how hard you try and how careful you think you are being, those damn tights never stay in the right position. I think we spend more time readjusting tights each day than actually being comfortable!
3 No Subtlety!
I have yet to figure out a way to go about readjusting tights in a demure, subtle fashion. If you are out in public, you have no choice but to make a show of yourself to anybody within a fifteen-foot radius of your unsightly pulling and twisting!
4 Slip Fear
This is especially strong when you are wearing a short skirt. The last thing you want to happen is for the reinforced crotch of your tights to all of a sudden be poking out low underneath the hem!
5 So Fragile!
No matter whether you buy a cheap pair or an expensive pair, you can pretty much be assured that you are going to end up with a horrible and annoying ladder at some point in the next week or so!
6 People Love to Point It out
How many times in your life has somebody stood, pointed and gone “Hey! You’ve got a ladder in your tights!” Cool, thanks for bringing everyone’s attention to it!
7 Ankle Wrinkles
One of my biggest personal pet peeves with tights is the way that they always seem to wrinkle around the ankle at some point, making your lower legs look about 85 years old!
8 Taking Them off Isn’t Sexy
It might look cool in the movies, but taking off tights is a painstaking exercise in A: not falling over and B: not catching them on your fingernails and rendering them un-wearable!
9 Velcro Becomes the Enemy
You can pretty much kiss goodbye to anything with Velcro being near your body when you wear tights. The fastening on an umbrella, for example, basically becomes a tights-destroying sword if it swings the wrong way!
10 Cheap Brand Guilt
You are always tempted to go for the cheapest multi packs possible, but are faced with the temptation of going more expensive and then the subsequent guilt of either opting for rubbish tights or spending too much on goods ones that you know are going to snag anyway!
11 Waistband Muffin Top
Good tights might make your tummy flatter, but really they only move the muffin top up a bit further and give you an annoying roll higher up your stomach!
12 Denier Confusion
Let’s be real, picking the right denier for your legs or your outfit can be a trickier situation than choosing what Christmas presents to get for your entire family!
13 Hold Ups Are Even Worse
In an act of tights defiance you might have switched to hold ups for a change, only to find that they are prone to falling all the way down at the worst times, for example, at work during an important presentation!
14 Thigh Itch!
We’ve all experienced it, that dreaded thigh itch. Thing is, if you absentmindedly try to rid yourself of the itch, the chances are that you are going to ladder the tights!
15 Patterned Tights
Patterned tights always seem like a brilliant idea when you are in the store surrounded by cooler clothes and eager assistant, but once you get home you realize that they don’t go with anything you own and are really only suitable for younger teenagers!
16 Skin Tone Lies!
Have you ever really found a pair of skin tone tights that truly matched your real skin? If you have, then you’re really lucky, because I have yet to discover this magical match!
17 Leg Hair Guilt!
So it’s the winter, you’ve let your leg hair grow out a little because A: it’s Christmas for God’s sake! And B: you need as much warmth as possible, so how dare your tights make your feel guilty about it as your see a few stray hairs popping through the sheer fabric every now and then!