Table of contents:
- you always try to come off smooth
- backing up is terrifying
- wearing anything besides flats nearly kills you
- changing your tampon or pad is like a horror movie
- if there is a wet patch on the ground, you will find it
- holding babies, puppies, or kittens fills you with mortal terror
- everything you touch in the kitchen will burn
- shaving is certain death
- stairs become the enemy
- anything thrown at you will hit you in the face
- public transportation turns into a harrowing experience
- if there is a straw, it will stab you
- if there is a drink, you will spill it
- you will drop your phone five thousand times
- your toes are always in danger
- so are your fingers
- eating in front of other people is torture
- putting on makeup is a horror show
- if you pass by it, it will fall
- trying to carry more than one thing results in disaster
- kisses turn into misses
1 You Always Try to Come off Smooth
You know how clumsy you're about to be. Your roommate knows. Your family knows. Your lover knows. Your best friend knows. Everybody knows … but you still try. And it never, ever goes well.
2 Backing up is Terrifying
For me, driving is a horrifyingly scary experience at the best of times. When I'm all wrapped up in PMS, backing out of my own driveway becomes the single most mortifying experience of my entire life.
3 Wearing Anything besides Flats Nearly Kills You
Anything requiring balance is best avoided until your PMS has passed and you've officially stopped bleeding for the month. Otherwise, you're just asking for trouble.
4 Changing Your Tampon or Pad is like a Horror Movie
If your clumsiness continues throughout your menses, you know that each trip to the loo is a potential bloodbath. You just do not have the coordination necessary to change a pad or a tampon without making a mess.
5 If There is a Wet Patch on the Ground, You Will Find It
This is non-negotiable. If you go out of your way to avoid a spill in the grocery story, odds are you'll somehow end up slipping on a banana peel anyway.
6 Holding Babies, Puppies, or Kittens Fills You with Mortal Terror
You're gonna drop it. You're gonna drop it. You're gonna – oops.
7 Everything You Touch in the Kitchen Will Burn
It will burn or be dropped. It does not matter if you are boiling water, making toast, or preparing a recipe you've made a million times before.
8 Shaving is Certain Death
Underarms, legs, bikini area – you will cut yourself a dozen times over during the lead-up to your period. Best just let the hair grow for a little while, it's safer that way.
9 Stairs Become the Enemy
It's like your depth perception and your fine motor skills decide that you're acting way too bitchy and take off to Vegas for the week.
10 Anything Thrown at You Will Hit You in the Face
Every time. Every single time. You will never catch it and if by some chance of fate you do make the catch, you will then drop the item. Hopefully, it's not a kitten, a baby, or a puppy.
11 Public Transportation Turns into a Harrowing Experience
Especially when there aren't any open seats. This is especially horrendous if you have not yet perfected your public transport stance – except even if you know how to spread your legs wide and brace yourself, every start, stop, and jolt will send you careening into strangers.
12 If There is a Straw, It Will Stab You
Probably up the nose or in the eye.
13 If There is a Drink, You Will Spill It
Probably in a public place, to be honest. If you suffer from PMS clumsiness, for example, and go to the movies, your drink will end up in the floor and all over you. Likely several of your movie neighbors, as well.
14 You Will Drop Your Phone Five Thousand Times
Eventually, it will break.
15 Your Toes Are Always in Danger
There are so many things to drop on them and so many places to stub them.
16 So Are Your Fingers
So many things to drop on them. So many places to smash them. From messing up a manicure to miscalculating when you're chopping garlic, an emotional and clumsy PMS is just so bad for your fingers. So bad.
17 Eating in Front of Other People is Torture
There will be food all over you by the end of the meal. You'll still be finding corn niblets in your bra at the end of the week.
18 Putting on Makeup is a Horror Show
No, really. When you're trying to pretty yourself up during a bout of clumsy PMS, you will end up looking like a clown no matter what you do.
19 If You Pass by It, It Will Fall
Anything. The cat will fall off the arm of the couch. You will knock glasses off the coffee table. Messes will be made. Tears will be cried.
20 Trying to Carry More than One Thing Results in Disaster
Every time. Every single time. If you happen to be a server, I offer you my sincerest sympathy.
21 Kisses Turn into Misses
If you mean to kiss someone's lips, you'll kiss their nostril. If you're aiming for a cheek, you'll get an eyeball.
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