You know how clumsy you're about to be. Your roommate knows. Your family knows. Your lover knows. Your best friend knows. Everybody knows … but you still try. And it never, ever goes well.
For me, driving is a horrifyingly scary experience at the best of times. When I'm all wrapped up in PMS, backing out of my own driveway becomes the single most mortifying experience of my entire life.
Anything requiring balance is best avoided until your PMS has passed and you've officially stopped bleeding for the month. Otherwise, you're just asking for trouble.
If your clumsiness continues throughout your menses, you know that each trip to the loo is a potential bloodbath. You just do not have the coordination necessary to change a pad or a tampon without making a mess.
This is non-negotiable. If you go out of your way to avoid a spill in the grocery story, odds are you'll somehow end up slipping on a banana peel anyway.
You're gonna drop it. You're gonna drop it. You're gonna – oops.
It will burn or be dropped. It does not matter if you are boiling water, making toast, or preparing a recipe you've made a million times before.
Underarms, legs, bikini area – you will cut yourself a dozen times over during the lead-up to your period. Best just let the hair grow for a little while, it's safer that way.
It's like your depth perception and your fine motor skills decide that you're acting way too bitchy and take off to Vegas for the week.
Every time. Every single time. You will never catch it and if by some chance of fate you do make the catch, you will then drop the item. Hopefully, it's not a kitten, a baby, or a puppy.
Especially when there aren't any open seats. This is especially horrendous if you have not yet perfected your public transport stance – except even if you know how to spread your legs wide and brace yourself, every start, stop, and jolt will send you careening into strangers.
Probably up the nose or in the eye.
Probably in a public place, to be honest. If you suffer from PMS clumsiness, for example, and go to the movies, your drink will end up in the floor and all over you. Likely several of your movie neighbors, as well.
Eventually, it will break.
There are so many things to drop on them and so many places to stub them.
So many things to drop on them. So many places to smash them. From messing up a manicure to miscalculating when you're chopping garlic, an emotional and clumsy PMS is just so bad for your fingers. So bad.
There will be food all over you by the end of the meal. You'll still be finding corn niblets in your bra at the end of the week.
No, really. When you're trying to pretty yourself up during a bout of clumsy PMS, you will end up looking like a clown no matter what you do.
Anything. The cat will fall off the arm of the couch. You will knock glasses off the coffee table. Messes will be made. Tears will be cried.
Every time. Every single time. If you happen to be a server, I offer you my sincerest sympathy.
If you mean to kiss someone's lips, you'll kiss their nostril. If you're aiming for a cheek, you'll get an eyeball.
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